“Hi Himanshu! I am so and so working at so and so place. I saw your work and wondered if we can be friends?”
A kind lady walked up to me at a community event a few years ago. Turned out she was a journalist working at a fancy ‘digital’ media. Fresh out of college, new to Delhi, and ‘desperate’ to make new friends.
She walked up to me after a community event where I spoke about what we do at Stories Worth Sharing and how we plan to revive the way Indians interact offline. This was pre lockdown era. I met thousands of people in those years and loved making new ‘friends’
“Oh, sure. How’s it going, what are you up to?” I fired back at her to learn more about what she meant (more like to learn what’s her intent)
Long conversation short, we decided to catch up over lunch one afternoon, I guess in a week from then. I am generally averse to loud places and picked a terrace restaurant in central Delhi to meet my new ‘friend’.
The moment we met, something was (idk fancy?) off about this woman. Don’t get me wrong, she dressed fine and had great communication skills. What I mean is, something about her push to be ‘friends’ was unpleasant.
She casually started dropping names of people she recently befriended. I knew almost everyone. A few of her names were kind friends/acquaintances, too. However, on asking more, I realized she did not make friends with them but prolly hung out with them once (just like she’s here) and since the names were too good for her reputation, she chose to speak of them the way she did!
I quickly jumped from talking about her new ‘friends’ to learn about her work. Considering she was a journalist, it was not tough to run some fingers on screen to find the proof of her work. Personally, I found her work average (below average, I mean but for the sake of decency, average) with less substance in her work and more gas in her words.
But why I am saying it out in public? Simply: to justify the title of this post.
It is great to make friends. Even better to make life long friends. The ones who’d happily take a bullet for you or the ones you won’t think twice before testifying in courts for! However, such friendships are a product of time and substance.
There’s an old saying, A friend with all is a friend to none!
Now, think of it: When you try to make friends, you end up trying too hard. What I intend to communicate is that making friends won’t be a result of you meeting a lot of people. Like it or not, friendships are an association to gain leverage. (except the ones you make at school. However, if they lack leverage, they tend to fade overtime, too.)
If you lack substance and come out desperate to befriend new people, you are most likely to end up wasting your time. What to do instead?
Build value. If you have great work, people want to be associated with you
Be a giver. Whosoever you meet, try to be a giver. See what problem can you solve for them! No one likes a parasite, in most honest words.
Don’t force. Think of that person whom you termed chep for how available they were or wanted to be on call or around you in person too bad! Don’t be this person
Have an interesting life. Interesting people show up at interesting places and often run into interesting people. Some examples:
Lift weights: No better place to befriend people than the place where everyone is lifting iron
Pick a hobby: Art, Run, Food, Literature or Book clubs etc. are good places to meet interesting people. (Provided you are there for purpose of the club and not to just befriend people)
Learn a new skill: Be it public speaking or coding, editing videos or palmistry, gardening or cooking; pick a new skill that you can talk about, when in public.
Learn a new language: New language means a new pool of people for you to befriend! *wink*
Have a side project: I always say “Asli kaam ke saath side me kuch na kuch karte raho toh mann laga rehta hai" This can be your job or college, pick a side project to have some substance to discuss when you are at a public gathering. For an instance, this newsletter or A MINUTE A DAY Videos are my fun side projects
Idea is simple. Don’t be boring and you’d find better friends. Trying too hard is a sure shot way to fail at it, if you ask anyone who have great friends!
And oh, if you are wondering what happened to that journalist. We never met again! :)
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